Been thinking...

It's late...

It's always late. And I am awake with thoughts, words and musings racing around in my head. Sometimes, when Husband has fallen asleep on the couch or the laptop is not in the bedroom, I can do something with all the chatter and it quietens. 

Tonight I've caught up on Mands on a Mission - the journey of debt and its reduction! Actually its more than just the debt, its the actions we take to lower a cost and stretching things between shops so our incoming are more than our outgoings. It's starting to get there - we are dealing with extraordinarily tight margins *grins*

And it is about the only thing that keeps me going some days - the belief that others are out there seeing the way we are coping when a lot more goes on - there seems to be little interest in others, but woe-be-tide if you're not providing the 'right' interest in someone else. I feel so very alone, useless, worthless - I don't even know what I am supposed to 'be' any more. Maybe I am supposed to say what the 'real' problems are with my rehab, my back, issues which have come from surgery, some errors, rah rah ~ but why, at the same time, can't it just be said this happened, still getting there, it's taking time and sometimes we need some help - and that be that? 

I am not disabled, never have been. Currently I have some restrictions and limitations and, unless you are my doctor, I know what I can, can't and won't do - regardless of whether you know someone who was back riding the tractor in 12 weeks, or light duties in 12 months, or doing a marathon in 6 months. Not me, not the same situation or circumstance, you didn't do the operation, you didn't have the operation, how can you make the statement that I am not doing what I am supposed to be doing. And if you think that, why not try to include me or encourage me rather than belittle and antagonise me? Oh I can beat myself up better than any enemy ever could *grins a little sad grin* 

I am now self employed - meaning my employer is me, I am working for me, on me, employing myself - if only in the sense I need to find purpose, direction and satisfaction in the activities of a full daily life. And part of that self struggle is accountability. I can't say how it will work - it's late. It's a thought.

I've been looking for a place where I can shine

For a home I can call mine

A measurement of time

Sometimes touching on the edges of a lie

From the corner of my eye

Expectations I could die

Feeling hopeless,

Feeling blue

Hurt and crushed, confused by you

Knowing now you used me too

Butterflies

I'm used to dancing in a way that I felt strong

Everyone could swing along

An orchestra of song

But infiltrated by the queen who must belong

Pushing through the throng

Without her all is wrong

Talking nothing

Talking true

Not sure just what to say or do

Needing to get out of you

Butterflies

So it's making use of the tools that come to hand

Build them into something grand

If only you understand

Digging deep into the dry soil of this land

Sing together as a band

Feeding water in by hand

Making it happen

Making it new

Finally escaping the grips of the ruin

Breaking free of the tight cocoon 

Butterflies

Go see the other blog - Mands On A Mission ~ hope you can help us and cheer us along *smiles gratefully*