We'll just call it something...

There should always be something fun to do... 

What a stupid day.

Made some big commitments due to lack of activity today too. We did have a late night, but no more. Giving up on late nights, giving up the apathy, getting rid of the mess. We will be hiring a dumper bin as soon as the rainy, humid, stormy weather eases back.  Three days of this cruddy weather is forecast!

Does it seem ridiculous that, at 40 something *grins*, I feel like I need to re-learn how to manage or structure a day? A week? I certainly know the theory, its the putting into practice I seem to be failing dismally. It's like while the last few years have been a bit of a blur of pain, meds, agony, depression, surgery, change and all that - why can't I find that whatever that used to enable me to rise at 630, open my eyes and administer coffee by 700 before starting the day properly.

I don't like my now. It's boring, repetitive and unproductive. Every night I go to sleep with ideas of change, how it can be implemented. I wake up - and cant be bothered. I have little or no energy, I am eating, but there is no sparkle or highlight to drive me. And little encouragement from the sidelines. Of course, from the outside it would usually look and sound like it is not needed. I think I need someone with a cattle prod to encourage and motivate me. 

Like I said - there are changes being made - not always consistently, not always successfully - but there is much change. I need to find my inner drill sergeant and step to it. To quote "it looks like I've picked the wrong week to give up cigarettes" ~ but no week will ever be the perfect one will it? *sighs*  Onward and upward - tomorrow...

You were always welcome

You always were there

I thought that I needed you

With me everywhere

But ultimately you only

Ever brought me down

You used all my money

Made my life unsound

Oh to throw you out, to give you away

I like you around me, I want you to stay

But you are the poison bringing me down

I feel so much better when you're not around

Since I can remember

You've been here with me

Inside me, beside you

It's time to break free

There's memories you've taken

So false, they are yours

When the cloud haze fades

They're the ones to ignore

So please don't come knocking

Back at my door

No calls on the mobile

I want you no more

As much as I love you

And wish we could play

You're all too controlling

Far away you must stay

Actually thrown you out, I gave you away

Can't have you around me, still others can stay

Found you were the poison, pushed me to the ground

I feel so much better when you're not around

Breathing the air

Clean, fresh and true

No more of the smoke screen

Set up by you

Singing a new song

Comes up from the heart

While I still want you

I've made a new start

Don't forget to visit Mands on a Mission ~ the family effort to ditch debt, save some and grow our own. Enjoy