Honest reflections of a time...

There will be times when you need to be honest with yourself...

Trust me - its true.  And it is not as painful as you think. *grins* Actually, it is quite a relief, a release and a huge weight off your shoulders.  Happy Camp has given me the power and the strength to be my own person, with my own thoughts and opinions.  This does not mean that one should totally disregard and pooh-pooh others thoughts and or opinions - quite the opposite in many ways but I have learnt that if you don't change (be it an action, a reaction, a response or a mind-set) nothing is ever going to be any different.

Pretty obvious really.

So, this is the start of a totally new phase in the life of ~Mands!  It is full, focussed and fun.  And I am fully aware there will be struggles, hardships and sorrows in there - its part of any life with growth and progress.  But is it always a bad thing.  No no no no no!  See I can say no! *grins*  And I can say 'gee, I'd love to but I am flat out and really probably not the best person to do that for you - how about ....'  Oh the power of positivity!

Now, this will probably mean different things to different people - possibly nothing at all to some and others will think I forgot to take my medication!!  However - my life (and everyone else's) is a constant edit and re-write.  Even how I explain who I am to people, that description changes over time, person to person, situations and so on.  Same as the past - what I remember as being can very well be different to the actuality, as well as how someone else recalls it.

But the meaning of that past memory doesn't really change - I can remember the parental  cries of 'who did this', 'you are all a bunch of liars', 'go pack for boarding school/the orphanage' - siblings crying, 'no, please no', the tears (both innocent & guilty parties) and all I wanted was to go.  I was not the culprit, not the instigator, yet I was punished for simply being. *sighs*  As long as I can remember we were all blamed & punished for everything and anything - sometimes because I think it was easier when there are many children - but was lesson was learned?  That right or wrong, I was at fault, to blame and punishable.  In believing that, I've only given these false thoughts validity.

Do I believe my memories - to some extent yes I do.  Knowing and accepting that some of these memories are 40 years old, do I trust my recollection - certainly.  If I feel this way - these feelings come from somewhere, be it deep within or as front of mind.  Should these punishments, or lies of protection, deception or rejection define who I am and carry me unhappily through life - that's a resounding no (but until Happy Camp, it was probably not something I could express so clearly) ~ another point of growth and change. :D

Change is the one main (in)constant that should carry me through life.  There is nothing wrongs with complaining about how I feel, what I think, what I remember - so long as it does not hurt another personal and forms the preface for change or improvement.  Its the 'so what is the next to do on the list'.  I've said it before, I do not owe for my life.

I know I look for permission from those I don't need to rely on to give it to me.  Validation, direction, or advise - these things are not fact, tho' asking certain key members of my life, you would think they are the be-all and end-all.  The way to go is for what I am responsible 

and not for others to dictate or steer me to do against my wishes and/or beliefs.  Be it family or friends I am who I am because I am.

One lesson from childhood that I took into parenthood is that I not only act differently with my kids - that I treat them differently as well.  Sure, those 'old' external influences have always got involved and rocked my platform - but change and reassessment is something only I can do.  I am a totally different being to the person I was 10yo, 20yo - certainly I am no longer a child.  I vividly remember a friend a few years my senior, herself no longer able to have children, tell me I could not have any either.  Pardon?  Now, historically, we've miscarried 8 times, had an ectopic loss and a termination.  Also, the dodgy broken spine has been an issue, but who is to say we can't but us - or me to be precise.  While it is not on the list of things to do - if it were to be so - is that not my choice?? Sure, I have two lovely boys and am more than happy to leave it there.  I am early 40s with plans however, plans change - often...

Part of the Happy Camp was about changing the way I fell - about me, my motivations, my difficulties, my strengths, my character, my branding and in some way my 'packaging'.  It's been hard to fit a proper eating regime into a life where I was living as others' ideal, or doing for those I hold/held important to me.  Somewhere in there, I had to fit my life in and that was hard.  If 'things' were too hard, 'things' did not get done.  Hard (or difficult) no longer means impossible or sudden negative outcomes.  Really, no one likes to be told what to do... do they?

From this day forth I can (and will) be the one responsible and in control of what affects me physically, spiritually and mentally and the one main person I can rely on for myself.  I know where I’m going and I’m putting in the steps to get me there.  When I started this course I thought I was happy; however I was only reflection upon the times that I remember as being happy and enjoyable.  I was actually stuck in a limbo of when – if and eventually.  The past was not even as joyful as my recollections were.  I felt useless, valueless and unable to count on anyone without there being an incentive for others to help or care about me and my life. Those I thought were friends, often were not and there were plenty wanting to be - I just didn't see it as I focussed on the 'safe' and 'known'.  Silly Mands!

Things have changed for me now, the parts of the course that resonated most strongly are that I can control my own thoughts and make my own decisions which should not and do not effect others, only me. I found the lesson in looking at different ways to view what was happening in my every day and exaggerate the behaviours so they could become more natural and easy to continue.

 ♒ I Understand Now ♒ 

Learning to fly isn't always easy

Look back at the times of carefree and breezy

Remember that I am the one who would falter

Had I created a world that had too much to alter

I've learnt to sail, on a breeze in the air

Taking away all the worry and care

Making the focus seem so clearly

Knowing that you I love so dearly

Fly butterfly wings

Hear angels sing

Carry the voices of wisdom up high

Into the clouds and the bluest of skies

Once in a while when we fall or tumble

There's love to catch us at hand

Understand

Messages often get lost in translation

Or ignored, twisted 'round in utter frustration

When what is said is repeated untrue

Go with the one who thinks high of you

Kindness and caring is not all you need

Often to fall down and feel yourself bleed

Makes you the stronger, the one others trust

With selflessness offered, in a world full of lust

Fly butterfly wings

Hear angels sing

Carry the voices of wisdom up high

Into the clouds and the bluest of skies

Once in a while when we fall or tumble

There's one there to guide us covered in good

Understood

☸