Ready? And ~ action...

Oh this head has finally stopped screaming

Husband and I have chatted and agreed ~ the implementation of change has begun.

Husband has done a brilliant job this past week or two and I can see what difference there is in life with him around and not travelling so much or being away from home.  And with 'his' team St Kilda in the AFL grand final - everything is already set so he can yell, cheer, celebrate or commiserate as required at the sound of the final siren, with poor demented other followers or barrackers of the 'opposition' Collingwood.  The next big celebration will be Powderfinger.

I cannot wait for this concert.  My sister had her birthday!  One more to the big 40 - just means I am getting closer to *gulp* 45. Jay and I manage to talk and discuss things happily, indepth at times, but with no argument or animosity.  She does get the whole idea of offering an opinion up and leaving it at that.  It's not her problem, but if you have one she is there to help.  Actually Jay was one to contact me directly when I had the major fall out with my ex-bestie.  She was there to listen, hear and empathise - perfect.  It was not her role to fix it or find solutions, she was there for me and to make me feel ok.  So for her final birthday of her 30s we have got her a ticket to Powderfinger and the weekend her to come along with us, party, boogie and be child-free for a night!

Along with mates from Melbourne (who will probably be able to help with travel), we are going to have a blast.  In many ways I am pleased that the whole concert ticket debacle has meant we will be going with an awesome group -  fun, fun people and if the party last week is anything to go by it will be a huge night out. I've really missed that social interaction, the getting together over drinks and music for fun. Ideally one big catch up a month will help maintain sanity and help me feel more normal again. SmallBoy is getting excited.

It still stabs at me how such a long friendship has been broken - I know its only been a matter of months, time will heal, yadda yadda but when someone you believe has your interests at heart talks you down, makes you feel useless and inferior, getting back to your own self confidence and belief can take a little more effort, struggle and conviction - I know my dear Husband sees how much I was hurt, hurt still and has let me know all which was said was not the truth but a reflection of how my old friend probably felt of herself.  He always said I knew her better than herself, but he also said she never understood because she always wanted more to be happy.

Thankfully, the way I treat a day is getting better.  Together during these school holidays we are setting up good habits with time, making change with the amount of mess and clutter ~ oh the bane of my existence.  I really do not like 'stuff' any more. Should be an excellent day for washing and drying - got those soapnuts to check out!  Tomorrow's focus needs to only be the kitchen and laundry for huge inroads to be made.  Here's hoping it comes together...

Galoomp

Went the little green frog one day...

The lounge room is looking tidy ~ gee our carpet is old and worn in a few places!  The previous owners had animals inside, but I think its probably been the same flooring down since the 80s.  Almost tenant carpet, but not quite the el-cheapest pile.  The eggs are now coming out our ears with a dozen guaranteed ever two days.  I'm going to put a note together for a few locals to come and get a dozen - with 8 cartons in the fridge here, I'm tipping people will be very happy.

The kitchen is getting there - can't see the dining table for the crap again.  Its frustrating  that it becomes such a dumping spot but we cannot think of anywhere else to put the table where it will fit and be away from the television.  Not that it really matters as we are back to eating at the round table in-front of the telly anyway. *sighs*  Honestly I don't know why it happens - even if there is no television on we tend to gravitate to that table and it is so bad for me to sit at for any great length of time. Strangely, proposing a week, a month without television did not receive enthusiastic agreement from SmallBoy or Husband. Funny that *chuckles*

I feel like I am letting the team down and not pulling my share of the load - heck, I think all I am really doing is saying what I would like to happen and dear Husband is getting stuck into it. Possibly this is one thing I must be grateful as so much has been done ~ I am sick of the clutter, the mess, the disorganisation.  I am depressed.  Not blow my brains out type of depressed, but wondering where the journey of life is leading me.  I feel anxious, almost panicked if I am expected to be somewhere, more so if I don't want to be there.  I delay to avoid confrontation - even if it is not there, just that it might be.  

II still carry the shame and the guilt of my actions the day the wardrobe was bitterly 'dumped' back here in a state of 'victim'. I hate the way some fall into the you 'cant be friends with her' and still be friends with others. Girls are so dumb sometimes. I stress and worry that the little bloke is hiding the unhappiness he was starting to open up about - I missed his birthday and so did not want to him to feel forgotten, but I just didn't know if it would be appropriate to take his gift around.  Communication was the failure, assumption was the cause, guilt was most likely the catalyst.  I will move past this loss.  In time.

Oh life can be a black, lonely place.  Losing weight again and that's not good or healthy.  Trying to include healthy food choices but really, I am back to not eating. That's one reason I am so tired, but you know it is more about avoiding - avoiding life, avoiding pain, avoiding conflict. There's a little revelation for you. *wonky smile*

ॐ  We think too small, like the frog at the bottom of the well. He thinks the sky is only as big as the top of the well. If he surfaced, he would have an entirely different view. ॐ   - Mao Tse Tung 

Today has also involved taking pics of all the stuff I am selling, getting rid of, palming off.  The great clutter clear out has begun.  So far I have 40 items photographed, now to upload and size them. Yay - not.  I don't know how people can sell on ebay for a living, it would fair drive me bonkers!  The spare room is looking rather tidy while I take pics and sort through the items. Most stuff is only going to be a few dollars, even the Italian leather jacket is going to be about $10 - oh it is lovely. Work, play, formal and kids - its all there!

Oh - funny phone call from MudGuts.  He's said a girl, who is a friend, not a girlfriend because she is a lesbian who is not interested in men (as one would assume to be the case!), is moving in with him.  Firstly, had to giggle to myself about the justification of her being ok to share with because she isn't interested in him just needs somewhere to live that is not home, but I just don't know how it is all going to work if they are sharing a one bedroom unit that is (a) an absolutely bomb site, (b) stinking to high heaven and (c) only going to mean a huge increase on the water, power and gas usage . . .  actually it will just mean those will have usage!  The water company has been out to his place twice to check it is tenanted because they can see some water use but assumed it was a leak and came to check and turn the water off.  His bill averages $25 for 6mths water; $200 a quarter electricity and diddly on the gas - $1.31 was the last bill.


Oi vie ~ my first baby is turning 20 tomorrow ~ how can this be? First I have a younger sister about to leave her 30s - and my son entering his 20s. Crap ~ I must be aging, growing old.  Might have to think about acting my age - one day *grins*

And in closing yet another odd, rambling, scrambled post about nothing ~ life sometimes gets too hard. I don't know if I am coming or going.  I am tired of the lies, half-truths, omissions to protect the guilt and other crap. I've decided to rid the house of negativity and will be cleansing these bad energies with Sage.  No - not the bloke, the bf of old.  The plant!

Smudging with white sage is a ceremonial practice that is meant to ward off negative energy, whether in a room, object or person. I know I have never done a smudging here, and it is probably way overdue.  The practice is better known in the Native American community as a ritual to ward off spirits. As it is important to burn the sage according to traditional methods to achieve the desired effect of removing negative, I've made sure to check with someone who knows about this stuff. RAS - you rock!

Night all - lets see what creative musings we get after a cleansing...

While I cannot always control what happens to me but I can control my attitude towards it. When I can do this I am mastering change rather than allowing it to master me.

Comet cars and traffic lights

Sitting still, gifted delights

Where are you on lonely nights

Alone?

Unicorns and fairy tales

Eating popcorn, frying snails

Who is home to get the mail

No one

Picking it up and taking it down

Who knew words could be so profound

Taking the chance to share love around

In the strangest of places in time

Didn't you know he was mine

Yesterday

Floating dreams and open boats

Wizard wands and soda pop cokes

Eating the whiz-fizz, please don't choke

Tonight

Toad in the hole and butterfly wings

Gentle breezes, voices that sing

If you want you can be anything

Girl